So, as most of my friends know I am now in the process of separating from my husband, Kevin. I decided to write to his sisters, niece (her husband married us) and his best friend to let them know what is going on. I saved this email in a draft for about 1 week waiting to see if it was the right thing to do, or just my bruised feelings leading me. After lots of prayer and inward battle I decided to send it last night. Below is a copy of the email. Let me know what you think.
Love,
Deb
PS I haven't heard from anyone yet, so we will see if it helps or hurts my situation soon enough.
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Dear friends and family,
It is with an extremely heavy heart that I tell you of the separation of our marriage. I have tried to reach out to a few in order to get help, but without response. It hurts so much to go through this. I worry about baby Grace and her adaptation. However, we are not safe and secure at home anymore.
I am sincerely hoping that God will bless our marriage and open up Kevin's eyes, mind and heart in order to truly see the issues that have lead to this. Neither of us is perfect in this situation and I take ownership of any wrong doings I have done. However, Kevin has not been happy in this marriage from the start. He has told me several times that he has wanted to divorce me. Apparently, he thought if we married he would be happy. But marriage is not the answer for that, he needs to be happy in himself first.
He believes that I "tricked" him into having the baby and that I only married him for his condo and health insurance. We have gone to several counselors, 2 of which were with the church. The last counselor we saw thinks Kevin is trying to push me away with his gambling and constant lying. In fact, she stopped seeing us due to his lack of effort in restoring our marriage.
I've tried to talk to him, but he just clams up. He won't even read the Bible with me or pray with me except at meal time. I found out last week that he has taken out even more credit cards and is gambling again. Also, just the other day I found his "business" bank account was -$2,000.00+. This takes us over $10,000.00 in gambling debt within 1 year. Eventually, we won't even have enough money to put food on the table or pay our mortgage. When I confronted him about this and told him that my dad offered for Grace and I to move into his condo, he never even attempted to get me to stay. He never said he was sorry, nor did he seem to care.
I know he loves the baby, but I don't think he ever loved me. If he did he would want to work to salvage our marriage, instead it's like he is pushing us out the door.
I have told him that I am not going to divorce him, just separate from him. I was truly hoping he would work on our marriage with me and we could come back together, with a strong foundation built by God, but he told me that he only wants to work on himself. He said he has already worked on our marriage. He doesn't even wear his ring anymore, sleep in the same bed with me or tell me he loves me. I am so scared and hurt by his actions. It's like he is not the person that I thought I knew and married at all.
Financially speaking, we are in a horrible situation. Kevin says that he is going to go bankrupt rather than be responsible for his actions and pay his debt. He told me that he may even let the condo go back and just move into a small apartment. I don't know what he will do about transportation either, since he took out a loan on his car in order to pay off gambling debt he used on my personal credit card. I've tried to explain to him that if he does this it can all come back to me and hurt my credit too, but he doesn't understand or even care. He just keeps spending more money by gambling and buying new cell phones etc... We also have a joint card with almost $9,000.00 which he doesn't intend to pay anything on either. This card has been our means of food, gas, drugstores, doctor appointments, going out to eat and taking care of all of Grace's needs for a year and he won't even take responsibility for that.
He believes that he is "right" with God in what he is doing. I don't understand how he can think this or even do this to us. I don't want to raise Grace alone. She doesn't deserve this and neither do I. I love Kevin and I want him to become the man of God I thought he was when we married. I never thought in my wildest dreams that this could happen to us. I feel so alone.
Can someone talk to him? Please let him know that this is not the way.
Please pray for all of us.
Love,
Deborah
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I think that was a very well-put email. You didn't sugar coat anything, but you weren't nasty about it either, not that you don't have the right. I am glad to see that you are blogging again. It could be very therapeutic for you. A way to let it all out. You and Kevin are in my prayers, and I hope he can get rid of demons and become the man he should be. He was lucky to have spent the time with you that he has.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Emily
Im so proud of you Deb, in all that you're trying to do/be in God's eyes, because ultimately, thats what's MOST important,,as I've said before, God will ALWAYS bless the righteous ones that are trying to do His will and do the right thing, I FIRMLY believe that, Im living proof, remember??...Just know EVERYDAY, that your loved beyond measure, and you have a Heavenly Father that knows EVERYTHING about you and loves you unconditionally, and HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU.....Love you sweet sister..
ReplyDeleteAn update as of November 6, 2010:
ReplyDeleteNeihter Kevin's family or best friend ever responded back. In fact, I believe they must have fallen under his spell because in court last week his 2 sisters, as well as his mom were by his side.
Is his family completely blind to his ways or just wallowing in denial? I am sure they will eventually realize what a con he is once he gambles away their money as well.
I find it insane that he is still on his mother's bank account and does her budgeting! After all, if he was able to gamble away all of our money, credit cards and inheritance from his dad he will certainly do the same to them. Then maybe they will think, "Hmm...maybe I should have listened to his wife and intervened"??? Oh well, I warned them and tried to get him help...now it is all up to him.
Still, I worry for Grace in all of this. What kind of example is he setting for her? What kind of example is his family setting?
If I were in the wrong my family would let me know it and they would not support any wrong-doing on my end. So why are Kevin's family still supporting him??? Something is very wrong there.